dreams and reality

Recently I'm not sure if I live more in dreams or in "the real world". And by dreams I don't mean daydreaming.

I sleep long till midday and am not able to wake up for hours. I don’t want to be awake. Although my dreams aren’t sweet or anything, on the contrary. But for the first time in my life while dreaming I’m actually aware of the fact that it’s a dream. And it comforts me.

This weird state of my mind scares the hell out of me. I’m afraid that I’ll fall in the dream-world completely. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to bear the reality and I’ll run to the shallowness of the dreams. Has anyone ever lived only to sleep and dream?

my poem no. 6

Recently I started writing poems again. This one is from about a week ago. Don't ever give up on writing. When nothing it's healing. (And if you have some of yours poems and want somebody to share them with, to have someone else's opinion, don't hesitate and send them to me. I would be honored)

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nothing I have now is my own

the dress is a gift from my ex-boyfriend

the roll-up I just made is my enemy

the time is flying by and I didn’t defeat it, it’s not yet mine time

nothing around me is my own

nothing feels like it belongs to me

and I feel naked and something more – wretchedness, humiliation, superiority?

should I be free and independent?

and suddenly I’m afraid of death

strangely because I always counted on it I always knew how close it is

but that was my body knowing

and my body no longer belongs to me

nothing is my own any more

about hurting people

Recently I hurt someone. My friend. I didn’t think, I didn’t want to do it and at that particular moment I actually didn’t realize that I’m hurting her. But I did. I did something nobody is supposed to do, ever.

Now I’m here with the worst feeling eating into my head – I hurt an innocent person. There’s nothing that can justify it.

And she isn’t mad at me. But I’m mad at myself, badly. Because the worst thing about transgression and sin is that it also hurts your soul. I did something bad and she forgave me so now she is pure again. But by doing a bad thing I also hurt myself and there’s no one who can forgive me but myself. But how can I do that when I know myself?