Some weeks ago I wanted to run away. Actually I didn't want to but I thought that it was the only solution. Things got (again) very bad at home and also elsewhere and I felt like if I didn't leave immediately I'd become insane again. I was ready to take a proper all-day job in some provincial city, get a small cheap suburban flat and leave everyone and everything I love behind ( because although some people cause me such pain I love them truly and profoundly...or I guess it's rather precisely because I love them that they're able to get so deep). I was ready to sacrifice my study at university, my comfort, friends, in some sec even my relationship for preserving my bare self.
I hope I was right when I decided that I won't do it, that I'm strong enough to manage. And I'm writing this to explain why.
It's because I realized (once again) that everything isn't about me... I understood that when I love someone I'll always have to manage, I'll always have to find the strenght to fight.
I know it isn't what you want to hear in this situation. People have hurt you and some part of you want to see them suffer as they find that you're gone and maybe then they'll realize how much they've harmed you.
But running away when the situation is bad is gutless. I know you feel like you can't handle anything, I know the state when you're sure that if some stranger would ask you for help with buying subway tickets you'll burst out crying. But the unpleasant truth is you can always dig out some bits of strenght that'll help you through another day, everything you have to do is to want and try.
There'll be time for leaving. There'll be a place for new start. But you have to do it properly. You have to leave things behind right. Because if you didn't it would be like a breakout from jail and you'd be pursued your whole life and then there would be no chance for new beginning.
